ABANDON HOPE ALL YE HOCKEY FANS

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HOCKEY INFERNO

Life ain’t fair, particularly sports.  Most of us experience way more lows than highs during our tenure as sports fans.  In the interest of piling on, we present, in a nutshell (because only a nut could write this, and only a nut could care passionately for a professional sports team, the ultimate Divine Comedy)…why your favourite NHL team stands no chance this season.

The end isn’t near, it’s already here.

 

Anaheim Ducks – No matter what you do, no matter how good you get, your city cousins will be that much better.

Arizona Coyotes – Change the team name, change whatever you want.  The one thing that won’t change is the off season beginning in mid-April due to a stacked Western Conference.

Boston Bruins – The Big Guy is getting sloooowwer by the day.  When the anchor of your team becomes an actual anchor, all is lost.

Buffalo Sabres – The cast of Montreal Canadiens’ castoffs weren’t good enough to propel Montreal past the New York Rangers last season, why will they suddenly be any better this year?

Calgary Flames – Time and space does not permit a full documentation of reasons why the winter will be a long, bleak one in Southern Alberta.  Suffice to say they talk about 2004 around these parts much in the manner they talk about 1967 in Toronto, even though the Flames didn’t even win the Cup that time around.

Carolina Hurricanes – Their front office might be a better team than the guys currently wearing the uniform.

Chicago Blackhawks – Time and Money.  That’s what helped to break up the Beatles.  And it’s working its anti-magic on the Hawks.

Colorado Avalanche – How many times can one flip a coin and have it land heads?  Time for it to land tails.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Discord with a young gun that can’t help team chemistry.

Dallas Stars – A packed Western Conference means the Stars’ Stanley Cup is just qualifying for the post-season.

Detroit Red Wings – Slip Sliding Away, Slip Sliding Away, You Know The Nearer Your Destination, The More You’re Slip Sliding Away.

Edmonton Oilers – No explanation required.

Florida Panthers – See above.

Los Angeles Kings – Two Stanley Cups in three years.  Not too shabby.  Which, of course, means impending doom.  Just ask The Royal Half, if you don’t believe me.

Minnesota Wild – Despite all the blustering about how these aren’t your father’s Wild, well kids, they are.  They still can’t score enough goals.

Montreal Canadiens – The same old song….too small.

Nashville Predators – Because The Preds always come up just agonizingly short of accomplishing anything of note.

New Jersey Devils – When did Newark become the NHL Retirement Home?

New York Islanders – Counting the days until John Tavares is playing elsewhere.

New York Rangers – Because there’s little chance the Bruins, and Lightning, stumble again.

Ottawa Senators – zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, oops sorry…Because, well, no real reason.  Just because they’re the Senators.

Philadelphia Flyers – A Winning Culture indeed, until it comes to the Stanley Cup Final.  See 1976, 1980, 1985, 1987, 1995, 2010.

Pittsburgh Penguins – This is an easy one.  We can blame it all on Marc-Andre Fleury. #scapegoat

San Jose Sharks – The originators of the term “Shot Himself in the Foot”.

St. Louis Blues – Blues rhymes with Lose, because, in the end, that’s what they do.

Tampa Bay Lightning – The Curse of Marty?  No, the over-reliance on Ben Bishop.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Must we?

Vancouver Canucks – Just a mess.

Washington Capitals – See the San Jose Sharks.

Winnipeg Jets – Wishing they were back in the Eastern Conference.

 

Mick Kern

 
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